drifting into fatherhood & social anxiety
These past couple of months have been a whirlwind. These past couple of weeks have been an absolute hurricane. Never would I have thought that a single moment forever changed my outlook and perspective on life, which took place on April 23. On that fateful day, I became a dad. Me and my beautiful wife welcomed our first child, a little girl with gorgeous features and a peaceful spirit. Her name is Luna Solène Rising, a reflection of her multicultural lineage and the creativity of her parents. I’ve known this moment was on its way for 9 months, but nothing could have prepared me for what was to come.
Without any intervention or pain suppressants, my wife naturally labored at the hospital for about 7 hours before our daughter was born. Seeing her war through the pain was truly an eye-opening experience that allowed me to see how amazing a woman’s body is, and what she can do under immense pain and pressure. I will never look at my wife the same way ever again. Before, I more or less saw her as a delicate flower, which was a reflection of her beauty, grace, and loving nature. While all of these are still true, I now look at my wife as a warrior. Fierce with love, dedication, and sacrifice for the ones she loves most. Graciously, she allowed me to be a part of the process by catching our baby, which was life-changing within itself. I never looked away. I was focused (and nervous) to make sure I wouldn’t drop the baby. Luckily, the midwife was there to guide me, and I physically helped (in a small way) bring Luna into our world. In that moment I was met with so many emotions, most of which was amazement about the gift that God had given us. The next day and a half of recovery in the hospital was filled with peace, love, and blocking out the world so we could spend time with our little girl. It has now been about 3 weeks since her birth, and I find myself falling in love with her more every day. I thank God that this amazing creature has been brought into our lives, and I can’t wait to see her life take shape over the many years of parenthood to come.
With that being said, these past couple of weeks haven’t been filled with just rainbows and butterflies. I found myself experiencing feelings I’d never thought of before, the most prevalent being the weight of social anxiety. From the moment our daughter came into this world, I was fearful of exposing her to this world. The thought of our daughter being vulnerable to sickness, sadness, and anxiousness made me more nervous than I expected. Simultaneously, I quickly became overwhelmed with the amount of phone calls, text messages, and DM’s from family and friends once we shared our news. I was so grateful for the amount of support and love others wanted to share with us as they celebrated our daughter’s birth. However, I also immediately became socially drained at the thought of responding to every message. Feeling overwhelmed socially and mentally, I put my phone on Do Not Disturb and never looked back. As the weeks went on, I have been slowly responding to friends and family expressing my gratitude and excitement to meet the joy of my life. I still have a ways to go, but I ask for patience, as I am trying to navigate this new terrain as a father.
Musically speaking, the same week my daughter was born, I released my song called ‘Drifting’. This song is about feeling lost and adrift in life, struggling to find stability amidst the waves of uncertainty. All the while trying to ‘pretend’ everything is ok for the people around us. It's a reflection on the challenges of navigating mental health issues and finding peace within oneself. It’s a song I’ve been working on for a while, and I was so excited to release it. However, since my daughter came about a week early, all of the assets and marketing I had in place for my song’s release were put to the wayside. Not only did I have a shift in my priority to focus on the important things, but I also straight up forgot I had all of this stuff planned. Now that I have had time to settle down, I’m currently rolling out all of the assets to promote the song, which came out 3 weeks ago. I’ve also pitched this song to numerous blogs, publications, and playlists, and I’m just now starting to see the traction of the hard work I’ve put into the song. And fortunately, friends and critics have told me it’s my best song yet, and I agree. As I navigate this new season in life, I’m reminded of the hope I have in Jesus and in his spirit guiding me throughout this process. I also feel a new fire and passion for what I do, and it makes me want to work that much harder to chase my dream.
In conclusion, I am so thankful for everyone in my life who has supported me and my family along the way, and I can’t wait to share more with you throughout this season. Much love my friends and God Bless.
-Carlos
